In the Mind of Madness

April 28, 2008


Filed under: Religion — taintedgoth1 @ 10:55 pm

I am so upset. I read something…saying people who read the “good book” and were Christian were good people…does that mean I am a bad person because I do not? No, I don’t believe in a God…female is what I believe in! A Goddess!!! So am I bad because I have no church or no book to go by? Does that mean that I will always be bad and hated???

Why do I have to suffer??? I don’t understand it! Why are people so close-minded and judgmental??? Why can’t they see? Why can’t I be good??? I am set apart from everyone else…all those self-righteous, and proud Christians….they hurt me so bad!!!

April 20, 2008

Where Is the Joy?

Filed under: Grief & Loss — taintedgoth1 @ 7:05 pm

I find it hard to find a reason to be here anymore. I feel like I died 4 years ago–the day my mother died. Nothing gives me joy and I’m looking forward to nothing. I turn 30 tomorrow and I just feel dead inside. Just a dead agoraphobic sits in this chair…writing this entry. I have such a sense of hopelessness anymore…it seems eternal.

Dad thinks I can just get over it…but how can I? I have no closure–just the image of my mother’s lifeless body laying in that hospital bed…and I feel dead with her. Dead and lifeless. I don’t tell people how depressed I’ve gotten in the past week or so…I don’t know what they’d think…don’t even care anymore. Why can’t I just tell them?

The birth of my spring babies doesn’t even ward off this depression for a second. That’s how I know this is more than just feeling down–that and the fact I’m constantly crying, wanting to end it all, and wanting to cut so badly. I don’t know how to fight this off anymore.

April 14, 2008

A Hero No More

Filed under: Relationships — taintedgoth1 @ 4:01 pm

Dad was always the loving one, the caring one, everyone’s best friend–my best friend. Dad was fun, always smiling, laughing, and happy. If dad was home, I was always at his side–the best man I knew. Dad would protect us from as much as he could. I remember it being really windy one night and dad rushed us into the basement, thinking it was a tornado coming. He always told us he loved us and really made me happy. He made life wonderful.

I grew up wanting someone just like my dad. After mom left I pretty much had dad all to myself–alongside my brother. But it didn’t last long. He met and married a horrible woman named Brenda. After she was in the picture I felt partly abandoned. He would push me aside to be with her and I hated it. She’d beat us while he was at work and when he’d get home he’d side with her. He always defended her and not me. She’d be ok sometimes but not enough to make me like her. She was cruel to us and dad didn’t care. We had to do all the chores while she sat on her rump.

When Brenda died I dropped everything in my life to take care of my dad. I moved in and cooked, cleaned, and took care of everything. Dad wanted me to have a job so I got one. It was seasonal work so I had to find other work. After a few years of living with dad I felt he was ok and I got a job but had to move closer to the job. That’s when my boyfriend at the time forced me on a little girl and strangled me. I told dad and he came and had a little meeting with me and mom. I couldn’t believe my ears when he said “I think she’s telling the truth…I think we should believe her.” Why would I lie? Why would there even be a question about me seeing support and comfort from my own parents? I just never understood this!

I’ve been forced out of my own home a few times in recent years because the women he’s dated. One didn’t want me calling outside of certain times and the other one didn’t want me in the house at all. Every time dad tossed me out for these women. He said I needed my own place–even forced me to get out ASAP! It’s no wonder I feel so unimportant in this world–both my parents would toss me to the trash for that ever precious piece of tail! Was I ever important to either of them? Heck no!

Before I left last year dad began looking at me sexually and commenting on my body and it became too much to bear. I got out when I could and moved out of state. Although he apologized, it broke what little link between us there was. Now he constantly degrades women, saying how superior, marter, etc. men are…saying women are only good for one thing–just anything to beat women into the ground. It’s constant and relentless.

Dad has always given excuses for the men who have hurt me–like it’s no big deal. Yesterday he implied that I should treat all men good, no matter what they’ve done to me. He said I should be nice to Nick and started laughing when I told him I don’t treat abusers/stalkers good. He just made a joke out of it.

I thought the sex-themed behaviors would stop after his apology. They haven’t. Just last night I was upstairs folding laundry and dad was laying on the couch under a blanket–stroking himself. I can’t do this again…I really can’t. I don’t like going upstairs because I’m afraid he’s touching himself. I don’t wanna be around him bu tI don’t wanna leave–he is my dad. He says he doesn’t know what he’d do without me but I can’t live like this. I’m seriously thinking about going back to Mississippi.

April 11, 2008

Feeling the Economic Pinch

Filed under: Finances — taintedgoth1 @ 12:43 am

I’m sure many of us have noticed that the US has fallen on hard times. If you haven’t noticed then you’ve got to be living in a fantasy world! Because I would be considered poor in the financial scheme of things, things hit me and my family harder than some others who still have a little cushion in their life.

The local economy here is feeling the pinch more than ever before. In my local area there are many factories that build prefabricated and modular homes…it’s actually one of the biggest markets in this area, aside from grocery stores and stores like Wal-Mart. Due to this economic pinch, my dad’s company is laying off 34 workers permanently. We have yet to learn who those people are.

My worry is that one of those men is going to be my dad. You see, because of my disability my dad cares for me and takes care of a lot of my needs. I give all I can but when you’re only making $600 a month then it’s pretty hard to fork out money irresponsibly for things that I don’t need. I pay rent and my phone/dsl bill…I don’t have much left after that…and I use it for necessities or to help a little with the grocery bill. I don’t buy anything special…my life is what you would call minimalistic. I can’t go buy clothes or shoes unless I save up for it…and I’m trying to save all I can for other things.

The things that people take for granted are the things we struggle to keep. Sure I have a computer, but it was given to me for free. I pay my own way….or as much as possible. I just hope this pinch doesn’t put us in such a bind that we will not be able to afford groceries…but I do know the economy is bad.

April 7, 2008

Domestic Violence

Filed under: Abuse — taintedgoth1 @ 8:21 pm

Domestic violence is something that I believe too many people like to ignore. There are so many men and women out there who are victimized every day by their significant others–people who don’t deserve the wrath of an abuser.

My story is similar to many victims out there. I meet a very charming and loving guy. He seems to be perfect and then things change. In my case it was a man who was constantly overbearing and over affectionate. Then it turned into situations where he was stalking me online and preventing me from having friendships with others that he wasn’t friends with. Even after I left he continued the stalking. He was always nice as pie to my face but behind my back he was malicious and vindictive.

I suffer from the effects of what he did to me, a sufferer of post-traumatic stress disorder and I currently am afflicted with agoraphobia. He had sent people after me online…people I was once friends with but who would rather believe his lies than believe the truth. I even felt the need to leave many forums online just to protect myself from him. I’m sure many people are hurt that I had to cut them off, but I need to protect myself.

Domestic violence hasn’t only touched my life. My brother has been victim to this awful form of abuse, but his has been much more severe. He had been with a woman who beat on him all the time, accused him of horrible crimes, infidelity, and anything else she could think of. He finally fled from her and is staying with us here. He had to file a protecton from abuse (PFA) order against his ex because of her repeated threats on our family and him. She had been calling over 20 times a day (12 hour period) and it was to where we couldn’t answer the phone at all. We are grateful for the PFA, as it saves us from further threats.

It’s sad with my brother’s case because there are no resources in place for male victims of domestic violence in this area. No shelters at all. If only people would realize that women weren’t the only victims of this type of abuse.

Domestic violence isn’t something that only women are victims of. It affects many men as well. I think we need to realize this and open our eyes to the terrible truths about this form of abuse.