In the Mind of Madness

April 14, 2008

A Hero No More

Filed under: Relationships — taintedgoth1 @ 4:01 pm

Dad was always the loving one, the caring one, everyone’s best friend–my best friend. Dad was fun, always smiling, laughing, and happy. If dad was home, I was always at his side–the best man I knew. Dad would protect us from as much as he could. I remember it being really windy one night and dad rushed us into the basement, thinking it was a tornado coming. He always told us he loved us and really made me happy. He made life wonderful.

I grew up wanting someone just like my dad. After mom left I pretty much had dad all to myself–alongside my brother. But it didn’t last long. He met and married a horrible woman named Brenda. After she was in the picture I felt partly abandoned. He would push me aside to be with her and I hated it. She’d beat us while he was at work and when he’d get home he’d side with her. He always defended her and not me. She’d be ok sometimes but not enough to make me like her. She was cruel to us and dad didn’t care. We had to do all the chores while she sat on her rump.

When Brenda died I dropped everything in my life to take care of my dad. I moved in and cooked, cleaned, and took care of everything. Dad wanted me to have a job so I got one. It was seasonal work so I had to find other work. After a few years of living with dad I felt he was ok and I got a job but had to move closer to the job. That’s when my boyfriend at the time forced me on a little girl and strangled me. I told dad and he came and had a little meeting with me and mom. I couldn’t believe my ears when he said “I think she’s telling the truth…I think we should believe her.” Why would I lie? Why would there even be a question about me seeing support and comfort from my own parents? I just never understood this!

I’ve been forced out of my own home a few times in recent years because the women he’s dated. One didn’t want me calling outside of certain times and the other one didn’t want me in the house at all. Every time dad tossed me out for these women. He said I needed my own place–even forced me to get out ASAP! It’s no wonder I feel so unimportant in this world–both my parents would toss me to the trash for that ever precious piece of tail! Was I ever important to either of them? Heck no!

Before I left last year dad began looking at me sexually and commenting on my body and it became too much to bear. I got out when I could and moved out of state. Although he apologized, it broke what little link between us there was. Now he constantly degrades women, saying how superior, marter, etc. men are…saying women are only good for one thing–just anything to beat women into the ground. It’s constant and relentless.

Dad has always given excuses for the men who have hurt me–like it’s no big deal. Yesterday he implied that I should treat all men good, no matter what they’ve done to me. He said I should be nice to Nick and started laughing when I told him I don’t treat abusers/stalkers good. He just made a joke out of it.

I thought the sex-themed behaviors would stop after his apology. They haven’t. Just last night I was upstairs folding laundry and dad was laying on the couch under a blanket–stroking himself. I can’t do this again…I really can’t. I don’t like going upstairs because I’m afraid he’s touching himself. I don’t wanna be around him bu tI don’t wanna leave–he is my dad. He says he doesn’t know what he’d do without me but I can’t live like this. I’m seriously thinking about going back to Mississippi.

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