In the Mind of Madness

Here I am at another milestone in my life and I’m questioning things again. Maybe I’m gaining a better perspective on things or maybe I’m just questioning. Although I don’t believe that God is male…I do believe in a higher power. I know that the 10 Commandments are a good code of ethics to live by, so I cannot chalk them up to some falsehood…it’s just I feel like maybe my Catholic upbringing is becoming more relevant than my Pagan beliefs. I still see cats as the embodiment of the Goddess…but other things are so confusing.

What is right? I wanna believe that there is a right religion out there…or maybe it’s there but everyone is so biased on what the right one is. I believe that we all believe in generally the same thing but we just disagree who the Supreme Being is. Some people think it’s male and some people, like me, believe that higher power is female. And then there are a lot of things in the Bible that I completely disagree with. Thinking animals are below us is one of them. The other is thinking that gays and lesbians are an abomination. That is so untrue.

I’d like to talk to someone about this confusion in me but I don’t want them to think I’m in it for a fight or for someone to tell me I’m wrong or I’m evil for thinking the things that I do. I don’t want someone telling me how to think…someone who respects my beliefs and my utter confusion.

I don’t understand why at certain times in my life I come to this exact crossroads where confusion about my religious beliefs is so apparent. When mom died I was at this exact place. And with me getting married I’ve come to the same exact place of religious confusion.

When I re-entered the Church when mom died Fr. Swoger, my priest from childhood, met with me. He asked me specific things. Asking me about same sex relationships. He said “you understand that that is wrong?” And I answered yes. But you know I don’t think it’s wrong! I think it’s wrong to believe there is something wrong with it! It’s so close-minded and cruel to think that way! I don’t understand the harshness of the Church…I just don’t.

I wouldn’t admit this to anyone…but I really liked going to church. When it was just me…I’d go in there and feel something as I went through the sermons. But it was the people there that I didn’t like! They were mostly people who would go to confession on Sunday and then break all the Commandments during the week and then go back seeking forgiveness. I didn’t want any part of that. That’s how I grew up seeing Christians…I never had the chance to be exposed to anything else. My stepmother was like that. She’d say how Christian she was but would beat us relentlessly…and I didn’t want any part of a religion that allowed that. Everyone thought she was such a good woman…but I knew better. I knew better because she’d beat us, she’d beat my brother with a horse whip, she was so cruel to us but treated her kids like gold.

Help me please…I need guidance.

I haven’t been feeling that great lately. I seem to be having a ton of headaches and have been extremely tired. I had some really bad cramps last week, followed by all these headaches and fatigue. Then there was the coughing a few nights ago and the vomiting. I don’t know what’s going on with me. I’m afraid that I may be following in my mother’s footsteps…that there may be something really wrong with me.

I’m sleeping alot, and then having to take a nap consisting of a few hours in the middle of the day. It’s worse after I eat. I get so tired that I can’t stay awake at all. I’m making a doctor’s appointment on Monday but I’m so worried about this.

I feel like somewhere I did something right. My life is turning out to be everything I’ve ever wanted to be. I always have had this dream for a normal life: marriage, home, family. But after all the horrors I have faced in my life I never thought I would ever achieve it. But now a man has asked me to marry him–a man I really love. He’s not abusive or hurtful…just a good man. Even as a little girl I imagined falling for a guy like my dad…having the world at my fingertips. Even though that image of my dad is gone in him…I have met a guy who is everything that my dad used to be.

When I told my dad of my fiancee’s proposal he acted like he didn’t care or like he wasn’t at all happy for me, but just the other night dad said he really is happy for me…something I’ve needed to hear and know. With mom no longer living, all I have is my dad. I finally got the words I’ve needed to hear. Daddy’s little girl is finally planting herself in her own life, and not someone else’s.

I know I’ve got a lot to do before I get married and get my life in order, but things are finally rolling in the direction I need them to roll in. Finding my place in this world as my fiancee’s soon to be wife is what I’ve always wanted.

My boyfriend Ron proposed on Saturday night/early Sunday morning over the phone. We live several states away from each other and met online. Although it’s not your typical relationship, we are happy and in love with each other. Very much, too!!!

We’ve spent a lot of time together with me going down there and coming back. It didn’t work out the first time we lived together but it’s working out this time. I’m so glad, too. We know the mistakes we’ve made and are willing to work on this harder than before. It was such a surprise to me when he asked me to marry him. I didn’t realize anyone could feel that strongly for me, yet I hoped someday someone would! That day has finally come!!!

I’m 30 and he’s 45…yes…I like the older men! I remember he didn’t think it would work out because of our age difference and I guess he’s realizing that it really is working out between us!!! I’m so glad!!!

We don’t have a wedding planned or anything for 2 years or more but that’s ok. I’m gonna head down there in a couple months (after my pdoc appointment here and find out what’s going on with my dad’s health) and will probably visit for about a month or so. Then I’ll come back here and pack up and then go down for good!!!!

Mississippi here I come!!!