In the Mind of Madness

April 20, 2008

Where Is the Joy?

Filed under: Grief & Loss — taintedgoth1 @ 7:05 pm

I find it hard to find a reason to be here anymore. I feel like I died 4 years ago–the day my mother died. Nothing gives me joy and I’m looking forward to nothing. I turn 30 tomorrow and I just feel dead inside. Just a dead agoraphobic sits in this chair…writing this entry. I have such a sense of hopelessness anymore…it seems eternal.

Dad thinks I can just get over it…but how can I? I have no closure–just the image of my mother’s lifeless body laying in that hospital bed…and I feel dead with her. Dead and lifeless. I don’t tell people how depressed I’ve gotten in the past week or so…I don’t know what they’d think…don’t even care anymore. Why can’t I just tell them?

The birth of my spring babies doesn’t even ward off this depression for a second. That’s how I know this is more than just feeling down–that and the fact I’m constantly crying, wanting to end it all, and wanting to cut so badly. I don’t know how to fight this off anymore.