In the Mind of Madness

Me and dad went camping last Friday. It was great…a great way to connect with each other and nature. Aside from the full-body mask of bug bites, it was awesome!

We don’t use tents or anything modern aside from the sleeping bags and pillows…just very old-fashioned ways of doing things. That’s what my family is notorious for and I love every minute of it. I hate pansies who have to have a tent or camper or whatever.

While I was there next to the stream, I thought of how perfect everything was….how the omission of every ounce of technology felt so right. I think it was more unsettling to come home where there’s electricity, phones, etc. I honestly felt like an alien when I came home…that with all this modernization that we have today we are infecting ourselves with so many needless things. I would be quite content living without electricity, without running water, without all of that!

I am the type of person who cannot comprehend how anyone needs more than 3 pairs of shoes, more than a couple pairs of pants and shirts, etc. I certainly cannot comprehend how anyone needs more than one phone, one house, one vehicle, etc. And cell phones and iPods and those kind of things? Complete garbage in my book. Don’t need them…

Ok…can you tell how utterly old fashioned I am? How old would you guess I am? 60 or older? Nope…try 30 years old. Yup…I never lived with anything expensive. I think the most expensive thing I ever bought was maybe $40. To me that’s a lot of money. Yes, I’m extremely poor. And how did I get this computer? It was given to me FREE.

I don’t believe in credit cards or anything like that, either. If it were up to me we’d go back to horses and buggies and trading and bartering.

I bought my bus ticket and I leave July 2nd. Wow…this is so final…yet so wonderful at the same time. I’m going to Mississippi to be with my fiancee. We not be very traditional, but we love each other.

I’ll be without a lot of things for awhile…like my computer! I’ll be offline probably for a few months…hopefully not too much longer than that. I’ve got so much to do, though. I gotta figure what I’m taking and all that. I know it’s just a matter of being better organized but it’s also a matter of living without certain things for awhile since I can only take so much with me on the bus.

When we come back up to meet dad is when I’ll get the bulk of my stuff…but I just have to wait. We don’t know when that’ll be, but hopefully it will be within 6 months. But it may be longer since Ron will be going back to work driving truck.

I’m excited about this…but I know I’ll be losing a lot like medical coverage and all that. They have a sliding fee in Mississippi, but no medical coverage for people like me. I’ll find something…eventually.

I feel like somewhere I did something right. My life is turning out to be everything I’ve ever wanted to be. I always have had this dream for a normal life: marriage, home, family. But after all the horrors I have faced in my life I never thought I would ever achieve it. But now a man has asked me to marry him–a man I really love. He’s not abusive or hurtful…just a good man. Even as a little girl I imagined falling for a guy like my dad…having the world at my fingertips. Even though that image of my dad is gone in him…I have met a guy who is everything that my dad used to be.

When I told my dad of my fiancee’s proposal he acted like he didn’t care or like he wasn’t at all happy for me, but just the other night dad said he really is happy for me…something I’ve needed to hear and know. With mom no longer living, all I have is my dad. I finally got the words I’ve needed to hear. Daddy’s little girl is finally planting herself in her own life, and not someone else’s.

I know I’ve got a lot to do before I get married and get my life in order, but things are finally rolling in the direction I need them to roll in. Finding my place in this world as my fiancee’s soon to be wife is what I’ve always wanted.