We don’t use tents or anything modern aside from the sleeping bags and pillows…just very old-fashioned ways of doing things. That’s what my family is notorious for and I love every minute of it. I hate pansies who have to have a tent or camper or whatever.

While I was there next to the stream, I thought of how perfect everything was….how the omission of every ounce of technology felt so right. I think it was more unsettling to come home where there’s electricity, phones, etc. I honestly felt like an alien when I came home…that with all this modernization that we have today we are infecting ourselves with so many needless things. I would be quite content living without electricity, without running water, without all of that!

I am the type of person who cannot comprehend how anyone needs more than 3 pairs of shoes, more than a couple pairs of pants and shirts, etc. I certainly cannot comprehend how anyone needs more than one phone, one house, one vehicle, etc. And cell phones and iPods and those kind of things? Complete garbage in my book. Don’t need them…

Ok…can you tell how utterly old fashioned I am? How old would you guess I am? 60 or older? Nope…try 30 years old. Yup…I never lived with anything expensive. I think the most expensive thing I ever bought was maybe $40. To me that’s a lot of money. Yes, I’m extremely poor. And how did I get this computer? It was given to me FREE.

I don’t believe in credit cards or anything like that, either. If it were up to me we’d go back to horses and buggies and trading and bartering.

I’ll be without a lot of things for awhile…like my computer! I’ll be offline probably for a few months…hopefully not too much longer than that. I’ve got so much to do, though. I gotta figure what I’m taking and all that. I know it’s just a matter of being better organized but it’s also a matter of living without certain things for awhile since I can only take so much with me on the bus.

When we come back up to meet dad is when I’ll get the bulk of my stuff…but I just have to wait. We don’t know when that’ll be, but hopefully it will be within 6 months. But it may be longer since Ron will be going back to work driving truck.

I’m excited about this…but I know I’ll be losing a lot like medical coverage and all that. They have a sliding fee in Mississippi, but no medical coverage for people like me. I’ll find something…eventually.

Lord, in every need let me come to You with humble trust saying, “Jesus, help me.”
In all my doubts, perplexities, and temptations, Jesus, help me.
In hours of loneliness, weariness, and trials, Jesus, help me.
In the failure of my plans and hopes; in disappointments, troubles, and sorrows, Jesus, help me.
When others fail me and Your grace alone can assist me, help me.
When I throw myself on Your tender love as a father and savior, Jesus, help me.
When my heart is cast down by failure at seeing no good come from my efforts, Jesus, help me.
When I feel impatient and my cross irritates me, Jesus, help me.
When I am ill and my head and hands cannot work and I am lonely, Jesus, help me.
Always, always, in spite of weakness, falls, and shortcomings of every kind, Jesus, help me and never forsake me.
Amen.

Prayer For Inner Peace and Calm

Dear Lord and Father of mankind,
Forgive our foolish ways;
Reclothe us in our rightful mind,
In purer lives Thy service find,
In deeper reverence, praise.

Drop Thy still dews of quietness,
Till all our strivings cease;
Take from our souls the strain and stress,
And let our ordered lives confess
The beauty of Thy peace.

Breathe through the heats of our desire
Thy coolness and Thy balm;
Let sense be dumb, let flesh retire;
Speak through the earthquake, wind, and fire,
O still, small voice of calm.

John Greenleaf Whittier (1807-1892)

Look Upon Us, O Lord

Look upon us, O Lord,
and let all the darkness of our souls
vanish before the beams of thy brightness.
Fill us with holy love,
and open to us the treasures of thy wisdom.
All our desire is known unto thee,
therefore perfect what thou hast begun,
and what thy Spirit has awakened us to ask in prayer.
We seek thy face,
turn thy face unto us and show us thy glory.
Then shall our longing be satisfied,
and our peace shall be perfect.

St. Augustine

What is right? I wanna believe that there is a right religion out there…or maybe it’s there but everyone is so biased on what the right one is. I believe that we all believe in generally the same thing but we just disagree who the Supreme Being is. Some people think it’s male and some people, like me, believe that higher power is female. And then there are a lot of things in the Bible that I completely disagree with. Thinking animals are below us is one of them. The other is thinking that gays and lesbians are an abomination. That is so untrue.

I’d like to talk to someone about this confusion in me but I don’t want them to think I’m in it for a fight or for someone to tell me I’m wrong or I’m evil for thinking the things that I do. I don’t want someone telling me how to think…someone who respects my beliefs and my utter confusion.

I don’t understand why at certain times in my life I come to this exact crossroads where confusion about my religious beliefs is so apparent. When mom died I was at this exact place. And with me getting married I’ve come to the same exact place of religious confusion.

When I re-entered the Church when mom died Fr. Swoger, my priest from childhood, met with me. He asked me specific things. Asking me about same sex relationships. He said “you understand that that is wrong?” And I answered yes. But you know I don’t think it’s wrong! I think it’s wrong to believe there is something wrong with it! It’s so close-minded and cruel to think that way! I don’t understand the harshness of the Church…I just don’t.

I wouldn’t admit this to anyone…but I really liked going to church. When it was just me…I’d go in there and feel something as I went through the sermons. But it was the people there that I didn’t like! They were mostly people who would go to confession on Sunday and then break all the Commandments during the week and then go back seeking forgiveness. I didn’t want any part of that. That’s how I grew up seeing Christians…I never had the chance to be exposed to anything else. My stepmother was like that. She’d say how Christian she was but would beat us relentlessly…and I didn’t want any part of a religion that allowed that. Everyone thought she was such a good woman…but I knew better. I knew better because she’d beat us, she’d beat my brother with a horse whip, she was so cruel to us but treated her kids like gold.

Help me please…I need guidance.

I’m sleeping alot, and then having to take a nap consisting of a few hours in the middle of the day. It’s worse after I eat. I get so tired that I can’t stay awake at all. I’m making a doctor’s appointment on Monday but I’m so worried about this.

When I told my dad of my fiancee’s proposal he acted like he didn’t care or like he wasn’t at all happy for me, but just the other night dad said he really is happy for me…something I’ve needed to hear and know. With mom no longer living, all I have is my dad. I finally got the words I’ve needed to hear. Daddy’s little girl is finally planting herself in her own life, and not someone else’s.

I know I’ve got a lot to do before I get married and get my life in order, but things are finally rolling in the direction I need them to roll in. Finding my place in this world as my fiancee’s soon to be wife is what I’ve always wanted.

We’ve spent a lot of time together with me going down there and coming back. It didn’t work out the first time we lived together but it’s working out this time. I’m so glad, too. We know the mistakes we’ve made and are willing to work on this harder than before. It was such a surprise to me when he asked me to marry him. I didn’t realize anyone could feel that strongly for me, yet I hoped someday someone would! That day has finally come!!!

I’m 30 and he’s 45…yes…I like the older men! I remember he didn’t think it would work out because of our age difference and I guess he’s realizing that it really is working out between us!!! I’m so glad!!!

We don’t have a wedding planned or anything for 2 years or more but that’s ok. I’m gonna head down there in a couple months (after my pdoc appointment here and find out what’s going on with my dad’s health) and will probably visit for about a month or so. Then I’ll come back here and pack up and then go down for good!!!!

Mississippi here I come!!!

Why do I have to suffer??? I don’t understand it! Why are people so close-minded and judgmental??? Why can’t they see? Why can’t I be good??? I am set apart from everyone else…all those self-righteous, and proud Christians….they hurt me so bad!!!

Dad thinks I can just get over it…but how can I? I have no closure–just the image of my mother’s lifeless body laying in that hospital bed…and I feel dead with her. Dead and lifeless. I don’t tell people how depressed I’ve gotten in the past week or so…I don’t know what they’d think…don’t even care anymore. Why can’t I just tell them?

The birth of my spring babies doesn’t even ward off this depression for a second. That’s how I know this is more than just feeling down–that and the fact I’m constantly crying, wanting to end it all, and wanting to cut so badly. I don’t know how to fight this off anymore.

I grew up wanting someone just like my dad. After mom left I pretty much had dad all to myself–alongside my brother. But it didn’t last long. He met and married a horrible woman named Brenda. After she was in the picture I felt partly abandoned. He would push me aside to be with her and I hated it. She’d beat us while he was at work and when he’d get home he’d side with her. He always defended her and not me. She’d be ok sometimes but not enough to make me like her. She was cruel to us and dad didn’t care. We had to do all the chores while she sat on her rump.

When Brenda died I dropped everything in my life to take care of my dad. I moved in and cooked, cleaned, and took care of everything. Dad wanted me to have a job so I got one. It was seasonal work so I had to find other work. After a few years of living with dad I felt he was ok and I got a job but had to move closer to the job. That’s when my boyfriend at the time forced me on a little girl and strangled me. I told dad and he came and had a little meeting with me and mom. I couldn’t believe my ears when he said “I think she’s telling the truth…I think we should believe her.” Why would I lie? Why would there even be a question about me seeing support and comfort from my own parents? I just never understood this!

I’ve been forced out of my own home a few times in recent years because the women he’s dated. One didn’t want me calling outside of certain times and the other one didn’t want me in the house at all. Every time dad tossed me out for these women. He said I needed my own place–even forced me to get out ASAP! It’s no wonder I feel so unimportant in this world–both my parents would toss me to the trash for that ever precious piece of tail! Was I ever important to either of them? Heck no!

Before I left last year dad began looking at me sexually and commenting on my body and it became too much to bear. I got out when I could and moved out of state. Although he apologized, it broke what little link between us there was. Now he constantly degrades women, saying how superior, marter, etc. men are…saying women are only good for one thing–just anything to beat women into the ground. It’s constant and relentless.

Dad has always given excuses for the men who have hurt me–like it’s no big deal. Yesterday he implied that I should treat all men good, no matter what they’ve done to me. He said I should be nice to Nick and started laughing when I told him I don’t treat abusers/stalkers good. He just made a joke out of it.

I thought the sex-themed behaviors would stop after his apology. They haven’t. Just last night I was upstairs folding laundry and dad was laying on the couch under a blanket–stroking himself. I can’t do this again…I really can’t. I don’t like going upstairs because I’m afraid he’s touching himself. I don’t wanna be around him bu tI don’t wanna leave–he is my dad. He says he doesn’t know what he’d do without me but I can’t live like this. I’m seriously thinking about going back to Mississippi.